Thanksgiving: Turkeys, Stuffing & Families That Matter

Thanksgiving is intended to be a joyous, festive occasion when we give thanks for all that we have. Its fabled (and not necessarily accurate) roots are usually attributed to a shared harvest feast in 1621 between English settlers and the Wampanoag. For obvious reasons, many Native Americans still don't celebrate the holiday, considering it a day of mourning about what was to come. For the vast majority of Americans, it remains a holiday about being grateful for loved ones who share in a bountiful feast. It's also an occasion that can fill us with emotions from intense gratitude to unsettling dread.

One way to approach the holiday and maintain a sense of mental, physical and spiritual well-being is to follow the deceptively simple rules laid out by Don Miguel Ruiz in his acclaimed book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. Ruiz explored ideas first espoused by the Toltec, a pre-Columbian Mesoamerican people noted for their pursuit of science, art, and spiritual knowledge gleaned from ancient sources. (See this site's Pinterest for more on Ruiz and his work.)

First agreement: be impeccable with our word

At Thanksgiving, that agreement may mean steering clear of conversations that might cause harm or exacerbate tensions. In light of the recent election that revealed a sharply divided country, that may prove challenging. Try to move the conversation into positive territory and about topics that offer common ground. This agreement also urges us to resist gossip, especially about those who aren't there (or might have just left the room).

If we say we’re going to make or bring a dish we’ve been assigned, make it happen. When we're impeccable with our word, reminds Ruiz, we "take responsibility for [our] actions." He urges, though, not to "judge or blame" ourselves if we fail. Guilt helps nobody and shame involves being unkind to ourselves. If we can't make the dish assigned, find the best substitute possible, given the time and money available.

If we’ve offered to cook the turkey, the star of the show, fully comprehend what that process entails. It’s a bit intimidating and best to prepare well in advance. There's no shortage of advice from relatives and experts online. Below is a brief description (enough to keep me from volunteering for the job).

The average turkey served for the holiday weighs in at around 15 pounds. That size bird, whether fresh or recently thawed (to be done well ahead of time), requires planning and an understanding of temperatures and timetables. If dinner's at 4 p.m., back up to consider what has to be done and when to make that happen.

After removing the neck and giblets tucked inside (my roommate and I forgot that step, already in trouble for buying a last-minute turkey with only one wing), rub down the skin and cavity with butter (or oil) and season it with poultry spices (sage, rosemary, thyme).

Fill the cavity (or not, depending on family tradition) with some type of filling, then close off the space using metal skewers, string or even dental floss (a process called trussing). Next, arrange the turkey in a pan so it’s elevated and encourages even cooking. Some recipes describe a bed of carrots, others suggest bundling up wads of tin foil as a base. Once the turkey is roasting, baste occasionally during the roughly four hours of cooking time, then let the bird “rest” for another 20 minutes. Commence carving! I’m exhausted just writing about it.

Second agreement: don't take anything personally

Before, after and during the Thanksgiving dinner, we spend time visiting with family and friends (often closer to us than blood relatives). Sometimes we enjoy sharing stories and hugs. Other times, we stick to small talk and avoid topics that invite scrutiny or judgment calls.  

"Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you," advises Ruiz. That's hard to keep in mind when others look us in the eye and question our lifestyle, profession, or why we're sporting a new tattoo. Ruiz urges us to keep in mind that it's about how they see the world, their words revealing their beliefs or biases. It's not really about us at all.

If we only have to get through the holiday, try to look such people in the eye and conjure up a positive image to divert our attention. (I had a fellow coach suggest I picture a long-stemmed rose blocking out the annoying person's face!)

If that doesn't work, remember that people we do cherish are linked to them and smile through this fleeting moment. The point is to leave frustrating people to live in their worlds, the one that so disturbs or displeases them, while yours is able to thrive in the light of grace.

As a last resort, go nibble on something delicious to help neutralize their negativity. Anyone seen my wine glass?

Third agreement: don't make assumptions

This agreement certainly comes into play during this holiday, already overburdened with memories and overflowing with expectations. Many of us may remember Thanksgiving as a time when our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, and sisters started dinner shortly after the sun came up. According to Butterball, a brand of turkeys that operates a help hotline during the holiday, women still do the majority of the holiday's hefty lifting. However, don't assume that's the only way it must be just because it was so in the past. Or that there's only one right way to de-lump mashed potatoes. It's also not a sin in any religion on Earth to use canned gravy or paper plates.

"We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing," notes Ruiz.

To avoid such misunderstandings, err on the side of clear communication about who does what, when, and how to get Thanksgiving dinner on the table. Learn to embrace change as the only constant about this long-standing tradition. Times have certainly changed about how Americans approach this day of feasting and giving thanks. The traditional dinner, along with a turkey, includes mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, stuffing, cranberry sauce, dinner rolls, and pumpkin pie. There are as many variations as there are people standing in grocery stores studying their shopping lists.

Gender-wise, my father, a product of his generation, only arrived in the kitchen when it was time to carve the turkey then wandered off after dessert to resume watching football. However, more men and an expanded list of helpers now routinely chip in and cover assignments. They help do the shopping, chop vegetables, and set the table.

My brother took over making the turkey when it was his turn to host the holiday and deep-fried it. There's nothing like it when done well, the crusty exterior keeping the meat inside tender and moist. Some members of my family battle over who gets access to the crispy skin, like it's some rarefied delicacy to be consumed immediately, looking as if it's been ravaged by wolves before anyone has come near it with a carving knife. Unlike my brother who's mastered the technique, the National Fire Prevention Association warns about its inherent dangers, including trips to the ER and up to $15 million in property damage each year when hot grease, flames, and first-timers try this method.

Even if families today cook a traditional turkey for their Thanksgiving or Friendsgiving, they may opt for healthier side dishes or update family recipes to suit expanding palettes, even to be mindful of dietary restrictions. I've hunted down a few organic or fresh turkeys in my search for "healthier" options, but the price tag for fresh can cost up to three times more than a frozen one. 

I also find myself feeling guilty every year as I watch the US president pardon a lone turkey and spare it from ending up as somebody’s dinner. I know that makes me a hypocrite. I'm a city girl who expects my meat and poultry to come wrapped in cellophane and without eyes looking back at me.

That's why one year, when I was trying to be a vegetarian, I skipped eating the bird altogether and joined a friend who made a delicious alternative. I warned her not to offer me anything made with Tofurky. Other than the silly name, it's actually just a mix of wheat gluten, tofu, canola oil, and natural flavorings such as carrots, celery, and leeks.

One of the recipes being featured this year on the New York Times cooking app is Vegetarian Mushroom Wellington. Keeping up with the trend, the Food Network offered a list of 56 non-turkey recipes in time for this year’s Thanksgiving. 

Imported and improvised side dishes 

Our immigrant ancestors also added their home country dishes to our American Thanksgiving dinners, whether from many generations back or still evident in offspring with lingering accents. My first Thanksgiving with my husband's Italian American family was a game-changer for me. The customary turkey was served, including the usual side dishes, but the menu also featured sausage and peppers, along with lasagna and other dishes inspired by their memories of Calabria. I couldn't help but eat a little of everything, which compounded that feeling of being overstuffed by the end of the day. Mangiare molto!

Regional variations abound as well, starting with whether we call what’s put inside the turkey’s cavity (or served as a stand-alone side dish), “stuffing” to indicate roots in the Midwest or New England (where they add bits of mussels or oysters). Or a cornbread-based “dressing” that points to a Southern upbringing. 

Wherever we hail from, most of us opt for a combination of homemade and store-bought to complete our menus. Some even have the whole meal catered by a local grocer or gourmet eatery. My mother, now 96, stopped making pies from scratch. Rather than start with flour and lard, which her mother taught her makes the flakiest crust, my mother gradually opted to "assemble" ingredients and then pour the mix into a pre-made pie crust. When I was given the dessert assignment, not having inherited any talent for baking (or assembling) such dishes, I bought the ginormous pumpkin pie offered by Costco. Sorry, Grandma!

Fourth agreement: always do our best

This agreement was the author’s favorite and what he considered to be the most comprehensive. See the short video to hear his take. It's up to us to know what our best is, not our great-aunts or second cousins who greet the dish we brought with an arched brow or worried grimace. As long as we gave it our all under the circumstances, we can hold our heads up high.

It's about balancing what we value with the values of others. Some have expectations that one of us is willing to get up at dawn to prep, stuff and roast a whole turkey. Others think the fact that they showed up in a clean sweater and a package of store-bought rolls is their best.

One memorable Thanksgiving a few decades back, my aunt and mother were locked away for hours in the kitchen, where we thought they were whipping up our favorite homemade dishes, including mashed potatoes and stuffing. Assumptions galore on our parts! We looked forward to their gravy made with pan drippings, including the giblets that had slow-simmered in some celery and onion all afternoon. However, the pair presented us with a warmed-up turkey loaf (a sodium bomb, if there ever was one), packaged stuffing, pre-made mashed potatoes, frozen corn, and, most shocking of all, cranberry "sauce" from a can, a gelatin blob that jiggled on the dish after being sliced into slabs.

These two accomplished cooks had spent the afternoon giggling and reliving favorite memories. To be fair, they only saw each other once or twice a year at this point in their lives. They weren't taking shortcuts to make a point. Nor did they complain when the rest of us avoided the kitchen to watch back-to-back football games. While laying their concoctions on the table, still sipping on their second or third martinis of the afternoon, they reminded us of the ultimate point of the holiday: to spend time with friends and family, savor a meal together, and give thanks for what we have.

We do what we need to do to make it work for ourselves and our families and friends. When I was a professor and faced a lot of papers to grade over the Thanksgiving holiday, I asked my husband and mother what they wanted to do about dinner. It was just the three of us so we opted to have individual turkey pot pies. The only downside was not having the usual leftovers that could supply us with meals for the rest of the week.

Doing our best to eat healthy (or not) 

Doing our best on this front may mean, first, not beating ourselves up for whatever we eat over the course of the long Thanksgiving Day. For better or worse, eating too much is part of the ritual, whether it's homemade or store-bought. If this is a primary concern, read the tips below for help staying in control of the situation. Some have worked for me.

First, offer to bring healthy dishes we love and hope others will too. At least we’d know we had a "friend" at the table. Make sure we really love the dish, though, and aren’t just bringing a kale-based casserole because we want to impress others (or ourselves). Like the proverbial tree in the forest, if nobody eats the dish, including us, its benefits don’t really happen.

Second, put one or two favorite things on our plates and walk away. If that’s pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes, so be it. Then wait 20 minutes and go back and add another favorite thing. Wait again. This allows our bodies enough time to signal that we're full and avoid over-eating. Besides, there’s no rule that says we have to eat a bite of everything on the menu just because it’s there. Even better, take a walk in between and get a breath of fresh air. A win-win!

If we're part of a smaller gathering, our choices are more manageable, as we have more say in what’s included, making it easier to control what we eat. One Thanksgiving my roommate (the same one that brought home the one-winged turkey) suggested we make ourselves a healthy turkey chili and skip the rest of the carbohydrate-heavy side dishes. We ended the day pleased with ourselves and avoided the usual sluggish afterglow. 

No matter what options we choose, healthy, unhealthy or somewhere in between, show ourselves some mercy. It's just one day out of the year, do the best you can and move on.

What else is there to do but eat?  

For my family growing up in Detroit, watching the Lions on TV was as important as locating a prime seat in the dining room (and avoid being relegated to the kid’s table). The Lions were the first NFL team to permanently host an NFL game on Thanksgiving Day, starting in 1934. The league suspended such games during WWII, resuming play in 1944. The games were finally televised in 1953, with other teams (chiefly the Dallas Cowboys) establishing another Thanksgiving match-up in 1966. A third set of teams was added in 2006. 

They can’t possibly cram in any more football games without interfering in that other non-eating tradition: Thanksgiving Day parades. These three-hour events feature dozens of marching bands and scores of imaginative floats, with the arrival of Santa Claus as the fitting finale.

The oldest parade is Philadelphia’s, which started back in 1920, although New York City’s Macy’s parade, begun in 1924, is the one most of us watch, as it's broadcast nationwide. My hometown's parade was founded in 1926 and still going strong. It’s included among Lonely Planet’s list of the top seven parades in the country and draws a million spectators, being syndicated across 185 markets well beyond Detroit's. The picture below is courtesy of the Detroit Historical Society.

That's should be enough to keep us occupied between mouthfuls of food. Should there be any energy left after cleaning up and sending people home with Tupperware containers, we can always plot out a few strategies for Black Friday shopping. My sister-in-law used to get up at 3 a.m. and arrive at the stores before they opened in search of deals. The name comes from the concept known to retailers, hoping the day kicks off a robust holiday shopping season that yields enough profits to put them “in the black” by year’s end (versus being “in the red”). 

If Thanksgiving is the start of holiday binge-eating, then the day after is the beginning of holiday binge-shopping. The link between the health-challenged feasting and a healthy economy was not lost on politicians when they established the legal holiday. Although Thanksgiving was first recognized in 1789, many presidents have experimented with the exact date, hoping to buttress commercial interests. According to the US Center for Legislative Archives, FDR tried to move Thanksgiving to an earlier date in November to maximize the "Christmas shopping season" and sustain economic recovery following the Great Depression.

Now the term Black Friday is less about a one-day mega-shopping event and more of a broad-based label to describe the beginning of the ever-expanding holiday shopping season. Nowadays it starts shortly after the Halloween candy is pulled from the shelves and ends well after we've taken down the holiday décor and stored it back in the attic, garage or under the bed.

After the last morsel is consumed, say thank you!

In the end, and for most of us, our efforts to make the most of Thanksgiving are firmly planted in our desire to participate and to celebrate in such a long-standing tradition. It retains its value, despite the labors involved, the emotions tested, and the hit-or-miss experiments with cherished recipes and divergent tastebuds.

Like anything else we hold dear, it requires effort to pull off. It also depends on locating that nexus of joy inside us that makes us willing to show up year after year and bring something of value to the table. Even though our good intentions and well-being aren’t on the menu, they matter more than any bite of turkey (or Tofurky).  

Many Americans, be they Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or followers of other faiths, hold hands in prayer or simply utter a verbal thank you for the food and company at this annual gathering. We know well how Thanksgiving propels us to work closely with our loved ones, to fully cooperate for a shared sense of purpose. That doesn’t mean it all goes smoothly. It wouldn’t be a family dinner or get-together with close friends if there wasn’t some drama. After all, these people know us best, are privy to most of our secrets, and are eye witnesses to our more embarrassing childhood moments.

Our biggest fear is not death, suggests Ruiz, it's "the risk to be alive and express what we really are."

As we sit down at the table this Thanksgiving, we fully grasp what’s at stake: to be our most authentic selves, including our flaws, while embracing our loved ones, with flaws of their own.

Chances are, if we follow the four agreements outlined above, we come armed with ancient wisdom that puts a premium on being our best selves. Whether we're gathered around a hastily assembled card table or crowded into a large dining room, remember to be impeccable with our word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and, above all, do our very best.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

If you need help with anything that was shared in this blog, book a discovery call below. Remember I'm here to listen and help you map your path forward.

Discovery Call

Book Now